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  • Government Name: Tewhan Butler
  • Register Number: 26852-050
  • Age:34
  • Time Served:11 years
  • Home Town:East Orange, NJ
  • Sentence:30 yrs.
  • Current Charge:RICO
  • Alias:Massacre
  • Release Date:2029
  • Prison Affiliation:Blood (Double ii/QSBG)
  • Circle of Influence:Altariq Gumbs, Emmanuel Jones, Lester Alford, Marco Miguel Robertson, Pele Brown, David Drone, Jermaine Ray, Marcus Martin, Michael Simpson, Omar Austin, Quaheem Edwards, Torvos Simpson, Vincent Gamboa
  • Institution:USP McCreary
  • Here, my life behind bars offers understanding for those of you who venture into ‘the life’ with no understanding of its consequences: the adversity, the obstacles and the journey one must travel alone when the gavel is slammed, your cell is locked and the lights go out.

I Thought You Meant Forever

You must love me, or not.

It’s been a long time and time has revealed a truth we knew but ignored: You weren’t down for me. The many times you spoke those words were only a lie. You waited, you grabbed hold of all you could, sucked me dry, then I fell, and you fell off. After refusing to speak to me for years and years, when you finally opened your mouth you told me of all my mistakes and errors and how that was what caused your betrayal. It wasn’t until now that I realized a person’s morale is dependent on their motive. As you made a long list of the flaws I possessed, I asked you to be honest for once. I knew it would be hard because nearly forever you not only lied to me, but to yourself. Was anything on this list an action intentionally perpetrated to bring you harm in anyway? You couldn’t answer. Well you could but you refused.

Since the day I fell you have intentionally crossed me out, purposefully wished me everything but blessings. I called and you answered, the huffing and puffing the only tune carried for a full 15 minutes. There were many nights when the world was asleep and we sat awake promising one another everything this world had to offer, and what it didn’t we would make manifest with what we held in our hearts. I never thought it to be a dream for my eyes were open, or at least I thought. Why couldn’t I see the convenience written beneath the surface of your every word? Why couldn’t I see that I was no different than the many men who caught prison bids and lost their lover? That’s all we were- lovers. Two persons who chose to equate love with touch, physical availability for passion. Jay said, “You must love me”, but I, you never did.

They say you can’t turn a bad girl good, but once a good girl’s gone bad, she’s gone forever. And forever you have gone. From my arms into the next man’s. I should’ve paid less attention to you being in my arms and figuring out if I was ever in your heart. The worth of everything that once was, lost. Time won out. All it took was time apart.

Gone but not forgotten, or out of sight out of mind?

Regardless of circumstances, when darkness creeps into an area once filled with light you reach for the one you love and guide them into a place of compassion. Not for sympathy’s sake, but for when you said you loved, you loved, and you loved for real, and when you love for real this love never dies. True love is immortalized. You were once my world and now I stare at you through my rearview, a fading memory, but why? I didn’t leave you. I was a casualty of war, a man fighting, trying to find my way in those streets, making my way home each and every night. Though I may have stumbled in, in the wee hours of the morning, you always met me with a smile and never complained about my time away. I showered you with the fruits of my labor and you were content, so why now that the cuffs have been fastened you have so much to say about my lifestyle? Is it because my lifestyle no longer provides the fast cars, the jewelry, the furs, but instead an extensive time apart? Time tested your loyalty, and you’re not up for the task.

I thought you meant forever when you said it, but that was simply your way of replying to the late night sex and the early morning money left on the bedroom dresser. You liar you! I ain’t mad at cha. You’ve only proven you weren’t my one and furthermore that a lot of what shines aint gold at all. I’ll continue doing my time, and you continue living out the many lies you told. I fare you well.

Tewhan Butler
Author, America’s Massacre/Co-founder of Live from Lockdown


One response to “I Thought You Meant Forever”

  1. Rem says:

    Keep your head up Tewhan true love last forever you just haven’t found yours YET ..manny blessings to you and your family ….life’s a bitch

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